Have you ever said, “I’m not stopping until I figure this out!” I used to look up to people that said that, but not after this happened to me.
I was sitting in my room, still on my computer at 9pm. Determined to find a photo I had been looking for, for over 3 hours. I was so mad. I had planned to hang out with a friend that night, but ended up canceling because I hadn’t found the picture yet. This photo I was looking for couldn’t be recreated and I was determined to sit at my computer until I found it. All I really wanted to do was take a break and go have fun with my friend. It was my own choice though, no one else was telling me I had to do this except my own mind. By about 10pm I decided I should just go to bed and try again in the morning. I wasn’t about to ruin my sleep schedule over this. After accepting my failure, I washed my face, put my pjs on, and crawled into bed, still angry.
The alarm jolted me awake. Staring at the ceiling, I instantly remembered my quest from the night before. I decided to lay there and think about what folder I would have put that picture in. Instantly, I remembered some other spots to look. I jumped on my computer and I found it in less than ten minutes. I was stunned. A little angry I couldn’t find it that easily the night before. What happened? What was going on in my brain? I knew I needed to bring this up in my next counseling session. Moments like this are so annoying, but whenever I take the time to explain something as simple as this, my counselor helps me make sense of it. Not only that, she helps me understand what was happening in my brain and how to avoid it next time.
What is a Fixation
After explaining this scenario and asking what caused this, my counselor Tammara said, “You were fixated on finding that photo.” I said, “Wait what? Fixated? What does it mean to be fixated?” I learned that there’s a big difference between being determined and being fixated. Being fixated, is like you’re stuck and refuse to stop. According to HelpGuide, those with OCPD (obsessive-compulsive personality disorder) have a fixation with perfection, control, and orderliness. They shared a great example, picture a student who is so focused on the small details that they fail to complete an assignment. To be honest, I can relate to that sometimes.
What Does a Fixation Feel Like
I’ve heard it described as an intense state of concentration and focus. In that state, it’s totally fine, but if I allow myself to stay fixated for too long, that concentration and focus can quickly turn to frustration, stubbornness, and anger. Understanding what a fixation is, what it feels like, and what it can lead to has really helped me become so much more self aware. Instead of getting stuck and frustrated, I recognize the signs early enough to make a change before it wrecks my mood. This reminds me of a quote I saw on Pinterest years ago that's always helped me a lot...
I would never say this to anyone else, but asking myself this helps me get out of my head sometimes!
Fixation Examples
An OCD fixation could look like washing the dishes 5 times, locking the door multiple times, or washing your hands over and over. It can be even simpler than that though, sometimes people get stuck trying to be right, so much so that they don’t even hear all of what’s going on. It can include some people pleasing too at times! It’s even possible to get fixated on specific thoughts too. Some people will get stuck thinking “I’m just a bad mother” or “I’m just a bad (fill in the blank)”. A mental fixation can even cause depression. It’s like a tape replaying over and over. A lot of times depression begins with ruminating thoughts, which means repetitive thinking or dwelling on negative feelings and distress and their causes and consequences.
Our mind can feel like a jungle at times, it helps to have wise counsel during the journey. Here are some verses that come to mind that give me confirmation I’m on the right track: 2 Corinthians 10:5 “We take captive every thought captive.” Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he”.
Determination or Fixation, What's the Difference?
I asked Tammara this during our session and she said, “When you’re focused, you’re moving and being productive.” Then she said, “When you were stuck looking for that photo were you being productive?” I started laughing and said, “I sure thought I was, but now I can see I wasn’t being productive, I was just stuck being stubborn.” We laughed together about it and of course my next question was, “What can I do next time to stop this from happening?”
How to Stop Being Fixated on Something
Go for a walk, exercise in the house, do stretches, watch a show, get up and move, go to the bathroom, write your name a hundred times – just do anything to distract your mind a bit. Give yourself permission to take a break. This actually helped me breathe a sigh of relief because the solution was so simple. She always reminds me to ask myself, “What do you like to do? What calms your mind?” I’m so incredibly thankful for her! I honestly avoided counseling for so long and now after going weekly for two years, I wish I would have started sooner.
Good Fixations and Bad Fixations
It’s not all bad! It’s possible to get obsessed with something in a good way. When you get fascinated by something or learning how something works, like mechanics, doctors, and scientists! When you’re fascinated by something and you’re having fun, there’s nothing wrong with it! It’s not really about it being black and white or right and wrong, it’s simply about being self aware enough to know if you’re in a good mental place or not. Keeping yourself from doing something because you’re fixated on not messing up or wanting to make sure it’s exactly right is an OCD tendency. I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve absolutely been there and still have moments like that! Understanding how to take control before it takes control of me is truly what’s made all the difference!
Understanding that a lot of behaviors are simply a result of my mental state, has helped me a lot. I’ve started recognizing behaviors in myself that I don’t necessarily love, but I don’t always know how to make it better. Taking the time to jot down some notes throughout the week when I recognize them, then bringing them up in counseling has helped calm my mind so much! I can tend to overthinking things a lot, so some things I bring up and share are met with a “Oh that’s totally normal. There’s nothing wrong with you!” This helps me breathe a sigh of relief. A lot of the overthinking, is simply that, overthinking, but sometimes it’s not! Sometimes I bring things up that bother me that someone said or did and she helps me recognize that those things are not okay and I don’t have to put up with them. Learning how to navigate them maturely, while respecting myself and the other person has made life feel so much simpler and calmer.